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Saturday, September 30
No update

The trailer for the hot tub fell through this weekend, so that is on hold till possibly next weekend or later.  My next doctor appointment is Tuesday but I don't expect anything to be resolved from it.  Considering that I'm reliving exactly what happened last time almost eerily so... he told me nothing before and I expect him to tell me nothing this time.  Which makes me wonder why I just don't skip that step and go straight to the specialist... although after seeing three of them last time, I don't hold much water with them either.  *le sigh*

Starting tomorrow or Monday we'll be fixing up the new place and moving in sometime within/during the month.  I'm really excited as it means level floors, carport with storage and a huge garden.  Not to mention space between us and the wench next door.... 

New lease: over 700 dollars. 
Paint: your guess is as good as mine. 
Hot tub: almost free. 
Seeing the look on the whore's face when she finds out 1) we're moving but 2) we're only moving next door and 3) we have a hot tub: priceless.

Posted at 7:10 pm by the monkey
(1) SHOCKED THE MONKEY  

Tuesday, September 26
Raging monkey

So....

Today the pain was extreme enough to warrant a visit to a doctor.  Even still I felt like digging in my heels (ha) but decided it was worth it for a release from pain.  When it's disturbing my sleep (not to mention my fun) it is time to do something drastic.

So to the emergency room we go.

The prognosis (after poking, prodding and a few token x-rays) are a possible break, but most likely nerve damage.

Nerve.

Damage.

I'm on Neurontin or however the hell you spell it, and Ibuprofin or however you want to spell that one too.  Heh.

Oh... and get this!!!!

Cast is a good idea (well duh... been wearing it for a couple of days and it does somewhat help) but this is the kicker (again, ha) - I have to go back onto crutches.

For now.  Until otherwise notified.  I figure that means until they figure out whether it's nerve or break and if it's break, healed, or nerve, dead.

YIPPEE YAY AY MOTHERFUCKER.

Just shoot me now.

End result: absolutely no pressure on the foot for now and do whatever necessary for pain (whether ice, heat, soaks or pills).

fuck.

Posted at 4:23 pm by the monkey
(2) SHOCKED THE MONKEY  

Saturday, September 23
Lost and found again

Found: walking cast from the last time I broke my foot so I can now hobble around somewhat.  Too bad the drugs aren't working.

Lost: my sense of humor today.  Chalk it up to the pain and ineffective painkillers.

Found: multiple broken stems on plants.  Bad bad bad cats.

Lost: hair.  trim and slight style, don't worry... I see braids in my future.

Posted at 11:24 am by the monkey
(1) SHOCKED THE MONKEY  

Wednesday, September 20
RIP Rose baby

Mother Nature and the doctors finally won out and she slipped through the mortal coil last night as Thumper and I slipped into bed.  Such a sad story but she is in such a better place.  Her heart and will power are things to be envied and I will forever remember her.  Rest in peace angel girl.

Posted at 7:34 am by the monkey
(1) SHOCKED THE MONKEY  

Tuesday, September 19
TMI and another stoopid monkey moment

So last night we're laying in bed and Thumper lets one loose.  He then says to me, "That sounded like a balloon full of puddin'."

Just thought I should share that little gem.

And then...

Tonight we're driving home and as we pull up to a intersection, we hear a countdown coming from the crosswalk light.  Thumper says it's for the blind and I reply, "because it's night time."

And proceed to blush because I realize what I just said.

To my credit, I was exhausted (still am) and my foot is killing me, slowly, but surely.

No and then!

Posted at 9:32 pm by the monkey
(1) SHOCKED THE MONKEY  

Monday, September 18
Stoopid Monkey

Could be worse I suppose.  I mean, I don't think it's broken.  Yet.

So here I sit listening to music trying to organize my collection to the degree I'd be happy with it.  Talk about mission impossible.

Posted at 10:13 am by the monkey
(1) SHOCKED THE MONKEY  

Monday, September 11
In other news...

I killed Steve Irwin.

I'm sorry.  Truly and deeply sorry.  I didn't mean to - it was all an accident.  See, I was going through some old stuff and I found an action figure of Steve in a bag with some plastic animals about two weeks ago (a week before his death).  I brought them out and put him on top of the lizard's tank.  Unfortunately I put him on his back (he's the figure with the surprised look on his face - I couldn't help it) with his foot in the alligator's mouth.

I put the bad hex on Steve.  I apologize for my actions and promise to keep the Care Bears away from all harm.

Our animal count is now up to six.

Thumper's ex couldn't keep his dog so we brought him into the fold.  So far so good, although the growling is starting to wear thin on me.  Spook is such a baby.  Yes, he is the one growling.  The dog just wants to play.

Yes, I'm well aware of what today is.

And I don't have much to say about it at all.  Nothing that hasn't been said before.


Posted at 7:38 am by the monkey
SHOCK THE MONKEY  

A letter a long time coming

Dear Father,

    I know you hate when I call you that, or at least you used to.  I haven't said it to your face in years.  I learned my lesson well.  The act of you "embracing our heritage" and insisting I call you Papa is like the man in the Monty Python sketch who insists that he is alive and feeling better until they kill him.  The fact is this - you are my father.  Whether you like it or not and however I may refer to you (sperm donor, how's that?) the simple fact is that you are my father.

    You never were meant to have a daughter you know.  You are selfish, arrogant and unsatisfied with stagnation.  You yearn for change in almost all aspects of life - but especially on the home-front.  My description of you to whomever asks (and is close enough to warrant the truth, oh wait, that's everyone) is this: "When he doesn't have a girlfriend he has a wife.  If he doesn't have a wife he has a girlfriend.  And sometimes he has both."

    How horrible is that?  The fact that as soon as you told me last night that you were done with wife #5 I immediately called Mom and we had a great laugh at you.  She told me things she never has before about you.  Perhaps I shouldn't have been shocked, but I was.  You are one of the biggest hypocrites I know.  Congratulations.

    But I really don't feel this way, do I?

    Do you even remember telling me that?  That I don't feel a certain way?  How can you tell a person, much less any member of family but especially your own daughter, that they don't feel a feeling?  That makes no sense whatsoever.  I was just a teenager and you were on wife #4.  I remember it clearly because that was the first time I ever had the thought "my dad's a jerk and doesn't know shit."  Kind of a memorable day for a girl who has before that day idolized her dear old dad.  Boy, did you goof that day.  I was telling you something about her.  I don't remember the exact conversation topic... but I'm pretty sure I was telling you I didn't like her and that I felt she hated me.  Or something very close to that.

    But I didn't really feel that way, did I?

    You amaze me sir.  All these years I have longed for a "normal" relationship with you.  After close to twenty years of yearning, my mind finally couldn't take anymore and I had a breakdown.  Didn't know that did you?  Of course not.  It was thanksgiving and you didn't call me.  I know, such a little thing.  Just calling your daughter on thanksgiving.  Of course I realize the phone goes both ways... but how the hell do you get off saying that to your daughter?  You are the adult and always have been in my life.  I'm your little girl.  Or did you not get that memo?

    I remember the last time you called me on my birthday.  It was my 17th.  That was the last time and over a decade ago.  You sir, amaze me.

    And now you are keeping the house, due in part to your parents getting old.  When did you learn how to put someone else's needs above yours?  Have I missed that much by not moving in with you when you asked?  Or would I just have been swept away in the act we preform every time we are together (once every other year when basically forced to by circumstances) of "nothing is wrong and how are you today?"

    Do you know that I hate that?  That there is so much I want to say to you, to scream at you.  But I sit there silently and pretend that our relationship is normal.  That I talk to you as much as I want.  That I get as much love from you as I want.

    Ahh... but therein, as they say, lies the rub.  Because during/after my breakdown I realized that you do, indeed, love me.  You love me in the only way you know how, and I can't really spite you for that.  Because I love you too in the only way I know how.  I really can't ask for more, can I?

    I wonder if it's as stressful to you as it is to me when we don't speak of all of this.  When we hug and talk about the inane details of our lives without each other as if we are second cousins instead of father and daughter.  I wonder what other people think when they observe our relationship.  I wonder what your mother has to say about all of this.

    I know mine gets frustrated as hell with you and that Thumper already hates you.  He's never met you.  But he has seen the aftermath of your love and our relationship.  He was the one who held me as yet another year passed and there was no phone call on my birthday.  You would think by now that I would expect no phone call, but year after year it's the same sob torn from my chest as I go to bed at night on that day.  He sees how I reacted to the news of your current break up.  He may be blond, but he's not entirely stupid.

    It's part of why, while I don't feel sorrow for losing wife #5, I feel sorrow that I don't feel sorrow.  If that makes any sense.  We were once closer than I am with Mom, so what happened?

    I think it all stems back to her mother's funeral when you asked me to sit in the back with her friend.  I did so, all the time wanting to be with you and her in the front row.  After all, I am family, right?  But I never saw her look back at me.  She never asked why I was sitting back there.  I have to think that she thought one of two things.  It's the only fitting explanation I can see.  She either thought nothing of it at all.  Or she thought I sat back there on purpose.  That's when I dug a trench between her and I.  It's when I realized that things may not be all they appeared in the great relationship I thought we had.

    And now, looking back on it (especially if she thought I did it on purpose), it may well be "all my fault".

    But then there was Mother's Day.  That's when I built the brick wall.  Because up until that point she had seen my struggle with you and had supported me.  She told me she tried to get you to take an active part in this thing called fatherhood.

    And then when I called her for Mother's Day, wishing her a great day and lots of love... reaching out to her after her mother's funeral to say "hey, I'm thinking about you" she shot me down.  It was like a physical blow.  To have her scream at me for not visiting you when I was up in that area (and at this point I would like to mention how many times she or you would be down in my area without stopping by or calling) was just unbelieveable.  I was in shock.

    And that was the end of our relationship.  So now I mourn not her, but that bond I once had with her.  Because up until this point there was some hope that it might eventually be okay between us.  But now she will fade out of both of our lives.

    You claim it's mainly because of her boys and what happened last year.  I know better.  You are not talking to a five year old anymore Father.  You are talking to a grown woman who is starting a family of her own.  I know the pattern.  Do you even realize it?  Do you see that you can't last in a marriage over seven years?  That we were all expecting this?

    I love you, but you are a class "A" idiot.

    Sincerely,
             The Monkey

Posted at 7:35 am by the monkey
SHOCK THE MONKEY  

Thursday, August 24
Hello... McFly...

I've been feeling kind of... out of it lately.  I don't feel like I have anything worth blogging, so I don't.  My days are filled with computer games, harvesting tomatoes, taking care of plants/cats and watching tv.  Occasionally I do something else but that is the average day in my life.

Until today.

Side note - Our neighbor is moving out in October and we've been talking about moving into her place.  Then we wouldn't have to deal with...

(this all happened within twenty minutes)

We're watching a movie (Final Destination 3 - don't waste your time or money, but especially your time) when out of the corner of our eyes both Thumper and I notice movement in our side/back yard.  At first I thought it was just our hammock swinging in the wind and I think Thumper was of the same mind.  It took us both a few seconds to realize that something was wrong with that assessment.

Thumper gets up while I stop the movie (my heart pounding) and walks out the doorwall.  Seeing nothing and no one he comes back inside stating such.

We both notice a strange truck in our driveway and I say it looks like our landlord's truck (although I couldn't be sure his truck really looked like that and Thumper doesn't even think he has one) but we both agree it's probably someone visiting our neighbor (the one moving out).

But even if it is someone visiting her, why are they in the part of the yard I would see from my point on the couch?  That is definitely our lawn leading to our shed.

So he goes out again, looking around a little longer and even checking the back of the house, but sees no one. 

And then who should come walking around the back of the house but our landlord's son.  Carrying something he left when he moved out (months and months ago).  He introduces himself as "(the landlord)'s kid" and proceeds to get the rest of his stuff from behind the shed where Thumper couldn't see him.

Once he left I turned to Thumper and we discussed the lack of social grace.  I said "Hello, McFly" and he laughed about how the kid introduced himself.  I suppose you just had to be there for that one.

I think the moral of the story is that when you go to get the shit you left at your old apartment/house 1) introduce yourself properly 2) knock on the door to do so.

Don't sneak around the side of the house and make the current residents think they're losing their minds.




Then...


As Thumper and I are slowly winding down the "Dee Dee Dee" talk of what just happened, Thumper notices that CN is leaving with a rather young looking guy and her son.  Nothing really new there.

You'd think.

But you'd be wrong.

See... the part that isn't new is her son sitting on top of the car.

The part that is new - her backing up and turning to go down the street.

Did I mention her son's on the TOP of the car?  Not the hood.  I'm talking sunroof surfing here.

By this time Thumper had turned my attention to the antics in the street and we both stood there stunned looking out the window as her son crawls around to the passenger side and pulls a Dukes of Hazard move.

From the top of the car.

He's not even four feet tall.

And I thought my life was boring.

Thank heavens for neighbors and socially inept people.

Posted at 6:56 pm by the monkey
(3) SHOCKED THE MONKEY  

Wednesday, August 16
Kitten soup recipe

1 17lb cat (weight variable)
2 7lb kittens (weight variable)
1 hammock (portable)
1 screen door
1 backyard
Optional: 10-20 wild birds

Start with emotionally unstable cat.  Mix with two kittens.  Add cat/kitten mixture to the backyard occasionally.  Add screen door between cat/kitten mixture and the backyard.  Lay in the hammock (optional - keep an eye on wild birds) until cat/kitten mixture boils.

Serving: 1 ripped screen door, 3 happy cats in the backyard, no birds.

Voila!  Kitten soup!!

Posted at 3:45 pm by the monkey
(2) SHOCKED THE MONKEY  

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